Self-Compassion & Mental Health Recovery

My Friend Jane

2012-02-09T16:51:00.000-06:00

This article is dedicated to Nancy Randolph, without her this could not have been written. She is one of my heroes. She works in Manitowoc, Wisconsin, at the Manitowoc County Human Services Department. She applied for the initial grant to start Painting Pathways Clubhouse. On behalf of the members and staff thank you!!

Most of us can identify with a certain amount of suffering. Some are submerged in it all the time. It, suffering, is part of the human condition. Life can be hard. Fortunately, you can learn to grow. You can begin to move past much of the suffering. It can be hard to do so alone. We must look for teachers and companions who are willing to walk down the path with us for a while. Hopefully we will find this sort of mentor and friend. The caveat is that you have to actively seek out help and advice. This is a place where many falter. It is not easy to ask for help. But take the chance, it may just change your life.

My life experiences gave me a pretty practical understanding of suffering. I began to see this going on in the lives of others also. I could identify with the terrible cost to the souls of those who suffer. That cost can easily spread to the friends and families around them. All of this has changed me. When I see someone who is suffering I just want them to know they are not alone. I want to help. The question is how do we do this?

I have already learned that the real magic happens when you can touch the person behind the trauma. It helps to establish a place of safe acceptance and compassion for that person. This demonstration of goodwill can dry up tears and encourage. To accomplish these things with people is a bit of an art. You have to be open to them but not captivated by their crisis. You must be compassionate and decoupled from pity. This is manifested by two people talking openly and unmasked. Being open in this way is the real miracle that we experience. I get to see these events more often at this point in life and have become grateful in the process.

Sometimes we can get caught up in the drama of others. The passions are intriguing.Will She?

Won’t He? Will they have to operate? Are you going to jail? It is hard to not get caught up in the process and the drama. Many of these crisis's are heart wrenching. Our best role is that of gentle friend. What can we really tell them about their pain that they don’t already know? To hold their hand and cry with them may be the greatest human service you can provide.

You can get convinced that you must take action or the person will face peril. Thankfully humility is ubiquitous in the universe. It offers constant little reminders for those who choose to see them. Although we are occasional conduits of grace and good will, we are not the only source of grace

that is available to others.

Life, in the face of our hubris, occasionally will show us an absolutely beautiful illustration of grace. This grace is demonstrated in simple humble human interaction. It is a moment that is bigger than just that moment. It is a new bond between two people. It is no longer you and I. It is us. In that moment there is a partnership that is built.

Image by Getty Images via @daylife

The Buddha says that to gladden the mind we should think of things of virtue. One of these moments of virtue is in my remembrance always. As I watched events transpire it gladdened my mind considerably. It taught me so much in just one moment.

I spend almost every day in a wonderful place called Painting Pathways Clubhouse. The clubhouse is a successful example of what makes a great community. It is certainly the best that I have ever seen. Great passions and ideas are mediated into something truly impressive. Most of the people who make things happen and make decisions are the members. Members at a clubhouse are people who have a mental illness. It is clear that their mental illness does not prohibit accomplishment. The clubhouse is thriving because of the members. The staff would not be able to run the place on their own.

I have come to know and appreciate many new people in my time there. Most feel like adopted family to me at this point. But in this case, I met my friend Jane on a winter afternoon. She came into the clubhouse like many do. She was a bit confused and lacked confidence. She was a good person who really felt fear about almost everything. In the process of her life she lost a good job, her emotions, her ability to remember and all of her confidence. She was not sure if the clubhouse was right for her. What would she be able to do? I think that I suggested trying to answer the phones. She broke out in a dead sweat and swore that there was no way that she could do that. She wasn’t sure if she can handle taking messages.

I am not sure how it happened. She began to answer calls. There is a set of skills that someone

Image via Wikipedia

has to master in order to operate the phones. She had already achieved more than she had expected to achieve. She found a place to contribute. Other members and staff worked side-by-side with her. She became part of the business unit at our club and answers the phone regularly now. A short training session was held so more people would know how to use the phone system. They used my friend as the example receptionist. She did the job without a flaw. It touched me. “Do you see recovery is possible? Good for you Jane! See, I knew you could do it.”, echoed through my thoughts.

We went our separate ways for a while. I got involved in a few projects and saw Jane on occasion. We would say hello and pass. By that time I had gotten pretty used to helping and supporting Jane. Often, I was someone who she could talk to. One day I walked in and saw dear Jane in a state that I had seen before. This was not a posture of happiness, it was crisis.

Instantly I saw the the eye to eye contact she had with one of the staff members. The staff member showed incredible compassion and a face of hopeful acceptance. She cared for Jane in such a tender and human way. I captured this image. I went on about my business. She was getting what she needed. I was confident that she was in good hands. These two wonderful women will be etched in my memory as a moment of virtue and it still gladdens my mind. Like the song says, “we don’t always get what we want, but we get what we need”.

Self-Compassion In Mental Health Recovery

2012-02-09T13:50:00.000-06:00

Self-Compassion?

In our effort to find recovery for ourselves there are some challenges that are significant. It is normal that our experience up to this point has been filled with things that make us afraid. Fear can come from many places. Many of these fears make it hard for us to accept ourselves and our challenges. This type of fear can make it very hard to accept things as they are. They can make it difficult to accept ourselves in a loving manner. Without loving ourselves in this way it is likely that we will never make progress in our recovery. Compassion for yourself will allow you to see your disease openly. It helps to remove the significant barriers that impacts our ability to change. With the power of a compassionate point of view we can look at those things that have hurt us. It helps us to accept that we have a disease. It also helps you to see the impact of your disease on those around you in a new way.

In the course of my mental illness I came to the realization that having a mental illness strikes deeper than just the mind. It becomes an affliction of the heart. The years of suffering dig deep within us and can eat us alive. These wounds are so tender that without the mechanisms of compassion we are not able to grow. Abraham Maslow [1968], that emotional maturity requires a mind that does not judge, is self-forgiving and includes a loving acceptance of self. Sometimes this can seem difficult to view ourselves in this light.

In doing my research I looked to see what various publications had to say about self-compassion and how one might empower them to accept themselves in this light. I would love to give you a simple light switch method which enables you to instantly be self-compassionate. Self-compassion is a lifelong process. There are many days with pain that cloud this perspective. We find that as we watch our pain then we start to understand it, the pain becomes instructive. This instruction is part of our learning in self-compassion. To be able to openly look at those things that imbibe us with suffering becomes transmuted into the power to overcome the death grip that is associated with our pain. It can free us from ruminating in pity for ourselves and can free our body, mind, and spirit.

What is self-compassion? The literal definition of compassion means “to suffer with”. Having compassion for yourself means that you have to recognize your suffering. You must look at this suffering in a kind and loving way. We have to allow ourselves to look at our disease openly and honestly. Our egos have been trained by our experience. Often this experience is derived from our process of becoming a social being. We get used to hearing that outside voice that tells us that we might not be, "good enough in another person’s point of view. We tend to believe whatever these outside voices tell us and take this to heart. This guilt, shame, blame and condemnation will kill our sense of self worth.

Self-compassion is a concept that is deeper than just your self-esteem. A bully can feel pretty good about beating someone else up. A person may think so highly of themselves that they can see nothing but their wants and desires. To make progress in recovery you must be able to see yourself clearly. You must forgo the judgments and condemnation. View yourself in a warm an accepting manner. We have to accept that in this process of recovery there will be bad days. There will be pain. Self-compassion will help us to accept the way things are now and give us perspective on how to change for the future.

According to Karen Neff PhD, an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin, self-compassion has three main components. The first part is self-kindness. Self-kindness allows us to look at our failings and suffering with a gentle perspective and helps us to understand that bad things happen to good people. With self-kindness we are equipped to deal with the self-hatred and judgment we face. We can allow ourselves both the mistakes of the past and those of the present.

The next part of self-compassion is to realize our common humanity. All of us have had struggles, suffering and pain. When you realize that everyone experiences these things it helps us to understand not only that it is ok for us to have issues but that others around us may have some too. It breaks down the feeling that you are the only one with a problem. It helps us to be less isolated in our pain. We find that we are less judgemental about ourselves and others.

Self-compassion requires that we take a balanced look at our thoughts and emotions. This shows us the need to foster a place within ourselves that is aware of our thoughts and behaviors. To take this balanced approach we must develop our minds. This development of our minds may be called mindfulness. When we work to be aware of our thoughts and feelings we can deal with them openly. This makes perfect sense. If we do not realize that there are fears and judgments in our deepest thoughts we can do nothing to deal with them. They control us as compared to us controlling them. Even if we cannot control these feelings and thoughts being mindful of them and patient will in time lead to acceptance.

I encourage you to spend 5 minutes, two times per day, to sit quietly and watch your thoughts. While you look at your thoughts choose to look at yourself in a tender light. Be kind to yourself. Soon you will begin to notice that you are developing the person behind the disease. Once you can do this you are on your way to recovery.

Do You Have A Kindle?

2012-02-08T10:29:00.000-06:00

Celebrate our growth! The Self-Compassion Blog is now available for Kindle!

Subscription rates are reasonable You can read this blog anywhere that you go. For more details see this blog on amazon.com..

A Practical Approach To Self-Compassion Continued

2010-03-29T10:31:00.004-05:00

Self-Compassion A Practical Approach - Part 2

So far in this series of articles about self-compassion we have examined several key concepts. For you to foster self-compassion we discovered that:

1. We must actively hold ourselves in a tender and loving manner to come into greater acceptance of yourself you must be able to observe your deepest thoughts and feelings
2. A tool that you can use to see these things clearly asks us to take five minutes at least two
times per day a to still our bodies and minds
3. When we do quiet ourselves we can begin to see ourselves in a permissive state. From this we build the ability to respond in a thoughtful manner to our situation. This ability to respond gives us greater power to change then the thoughtless reactions that is often the norm in life.

Inscribed above Gandhi's tomb is, "Think of the poorest person you've ever seen and ask whether your next act will be of any use." This poverty could be related to many facets of our life. In our own lives many have experienced poverty in our feelings, poverty of acceptance, poverty in our isolation, as well as financial poverty. From time to time we all may suffer a life filled with poverty of many types. These unmet needs can often cause us to feel isolated and alone. It would seem that we are the only people who carry our burdens. We need to begin to remember that we are not the only people to experience loss and isolation. When we begin to see how common that our experience is we can start to feel less isolated. It helps to know that you are not alone even in your pain and suffering. That pain might be tailored to our experience but we are not the only person who bares sickness, sorrow, disease and pain.

The ancient Pali word, "metta" means loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and non-violence. It usually used to indicate an approximate means by which we can have a strong desire to see all beings experience peace and happiness. The inclusive attributes helps us to connect with both the joys and suffering of ourselves and others. This can be practiced as a "metta meditation".

For our purposes meditation in this instance means to quietly sit and reflect on thoughts of peace and happiness for all. This includes ourselves. Take a moment, close your eyes and imagine that as far as you can see there are beings of every race, creed and color. Think about a memory where you feel loving and kind. Concentrate on not just the event but the actual feelings involved. You may notice that you have actual physical feelings associated with this. When this feeling is clear enough simply transfer those feelings to all beings. Imagine that this feeling is like a bright light shining in your heart. Let this light of love and compassion spread to cover everyone and everything.

This method helps us to build a rapport with something greater than ourselves. By this process you can gain a sense that you are far from alone. You begin to see your inter-connected nature. As you start to feel this connection you realize that you are experiencing many of the same things that those around you do. This can lead to acceptance that to have pain is a normal part of life and that others share in your burden. Once you come to the conclusion that others experience pain and suffering you can begin understand that your pain is reasonable. It is empowering to see that others move on in their pain and that you can too.

Walk With Leisure Through The Park

2010-03-22T19:12:00.002-05:00

Sometimes we just have to stop, and sniff the roses.

I have made a social agreement with myself
To walk with leisure through the park
While on my way to my many destinations
To pause in appreciation for all of life
To experience the peace of the trees
To learn from the birds as they sing
To remember to cherish all about me

This contract with myself is not a cannon or restrictive covenant
It is but a way to inbibe the fullness and richness of life
It inhabits within a sense of wellness and whole-being

Live simply,
Take in the moments of your life and..
Walk with leisure through the park

A Life You Can Walk Through

2010-03-22T17:04:00.005-05:00

In his poem, The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost says, "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference". He begins this poem with contemplation about which path to take. In our journey of life, what dictates the roads that we will follow? How do you choose when you come upon the many junctions that our road intercepts? Do we choose our path because the rest of the herd goes there or do we choose one that suits our truths and individual needs?

For me I have chosen the path that dictates a simple life. I have a literal road that I walk. Actually, I walk almost every where that I go. For me the decision to use my feet as a primary mode of transportation has made all the difference. It helps me to take things as they come. Literally and figuratively one step at a time. Not only do I experience more of what goes on around me, I have come to find tranquility in the simple act that I have dedicated myself to. How many of us can really claim this?

Here are several great benefits to walking:

Walking gives us a way to manage the momentum of our lives.
It enforces a certain determination to reach a goal.
We work with each step to both identify and overcome those things that challenge us in our path.
Regular walks build the health and vitality of our bodies.
Our minds get the support that a healthy body provides

We all search for peace and equanimity. How many of us find it? In my experience it seems to allude most of us in society to day. You hear so many who are strung out in the rat race of life. Whether you choose like I have to walk or you take moments of quiet reflection on your life it does not matter. In the end our peace may be found in identifying our personal path. Please consider your road. When you do, you may also experience a life you can walk through.

A Practical Approach To Self-Compassion

2010-03-21T11:57:00.001-05:00

In my previous article, Self-compassion In Mental Health Recovery, I talked about becoming compassionate to self is a life long process. It stands to reason that the process has to start somewhere. The trick, if there is one, comes in finding the methods and tools that are exclusive to your needs. For self-compassion to rise in you, a very personal approach must be adopted. This is true not only for developing the skills of compassion but all work that you do in personal development. The fortunate part of this process is that once you do get methods and tools that work for you personal growth starts to build its own momentum.

I recommend in my work with others to start very simply. I suggest that you start by simply watching your intentions at least twice a day for 5 minutes. The reason that I suggest that you start with 5 minutes is because it can be hard in our busy lives to grant ourselves any time for personal work. It is easier to build a regular habit of reflection if we are not defeated at the beginning by not having sufficient time to do the work. It also contributes to fostering the first skill that we need to successfully realize growth. This skill is learning to quiet your mind.

The Buddhist call the unquieted mind the, "Monkey Mind". It is full of chatty frenetic conversation about everything. Will she like me? Should I check my email? What should I do for dinner? What if my boss does not like that report? It is involved in almost endless consideration of everything accept peace and quiet. It gets lost in every moment but now. It ruminates about the past and speculates about the future. It does this in a less than conscience manner. To be compassionate with yourself you have to be rooted in the the present moment. Life is a series of many moments. The only time that you can do anything is right now. If you can not focus on right now you are defeated in the process.

So how do we begin to quiet the mind? To quiet the mind it is helpful to quiet the body. Find a place where you can be relaxed and are not likely to be disturbed. Turn off the phone. You must give yourself the permission to take the time that you need. We afford ourselves other needs that we have. Even really busy people must eat. Does being quiet rate as a need like eating? My simple answer is that to be happier and more self-compassionate it does. This permissive state is an example of self-kindness. We need to start allowing ourselves the things thats are required for our mental and spiritual health.

Once you have found a place where you can be physically relaxed the process of quieting the body can be as simple as sitting still. This again can be a challenge. Be gentle with yourself at this time. If you need to scratch yourself, shift your weight it is ok to do so. Just do so in a relaxed state and return your body to rest. Don't worry if you have a hard time. This is a skill and any skill takes some time to develop. If you find that you have more physical angst you may find it necessary to add some breathing techniques. We want to encourage ourselves to breathe in a relaxed manner. Perhaps you may want to start off with slowly inhaling deeply. Fill your lungs completely. Breathe from your stomach. Try not to let your shoulders rise with your inhalation. If you let your shoulders rise you are adding stress to your body not relaxing it. This tends to stress the shoulders, neck, back, and head. After you have inhaled, pause for a two count, then slowly and completely exhale. Do this several times. As you begin to take full breaths in and out, in a slow and steady manner you can begin to let your breath settle down to let it do its own thing. Our breathing is interesting in that it can be both voluntary and involuntary. When you are relaxed your breathing will be also.
Okay so what if you find it hard to sit for 5 minutes in this way, are you prevented from quieting the body and the mind? Certainly not. Perhaps going for a nice stroll will help you to relax. What we are trying to foster is something that Herbert Benson, M.D. and others refer to as the, "Relaxation Response". Simply this is the response that our body and minds have when stilled. This response is key to progress in building the skill of a quieted mind.

So now that you have begun to quiet your mind you are on the road to finding compassion for yourself. In my next article I will explore more steps along the path to your personal self-compassion.

What It Means To Have A Mental Illness

2010-03-20T14:50:00.001-05:00

For those of us who are diagnosed as bipolar, depressed, or having any other mental illness means only that we must approach life differently than others. Yet much of the time there is social pressure to merely snap out of it. It is felt that we who have a mental illness lack both the character and the constitution to behave the way that our society thinks we should. The stigma is so pervasive that we may believe this also. Those who are newly diagnosed or even those living with a diagnosis for years may not accept the truth. For me it was very hard to come to terms with. The truth is that having a mental illness does not make us less of a person or morally deficient. Too often we have lives of guilt ridden suffering. We must strive not to let the suffering continue. Recovery can happen. For recovery to happen we must look at mental disease differently. From my experience it takes a holistic approach. You must treat the whole being body, mind, and spirit. You also begin to accept yourself completely.

People who are color blind do not see red or green correctly. They may have a hard time recognizing signs that forecast danger. They must rely on words or pictures to understand the warning. There are some who do not walk. They have to identify a path that they can travel. Someone who is crippled by their fears, frustrations, sicknesses, sorrows, and diseases must have the compassion on themselves to accept a different way to live. This is not really surprising. Most of the world's wisdom traditions suggest that seeing things a new way may benefit us all. There is a saying, "To an expert few things are possible, and to a novice all things are possible". If you are bipolar and you suffer I suggest you be the novice. Right now you can choose to begin to see things differently, openly, and compassionately. If you open your mind and allow for a different perspective you can change your life. In another saying, "If you wear shoes, the whole world is covered by shoe leather", we can see that whatever we put on filters all that we perceive. There is another analogy that you may be more familiar with. Some people see things through rose colored glasses. To these people things seem to be better than perhaps they are. At very least they choose to limit how they see things. For a long time I was not able to accept that I had a mental issue or that it was bipolar disorder. It did not fit with the egoic picture that I had about myself. I was sick and kept suffering because I could not accept why. I also misunderstood like many people what it means to have a mental illness.

I do not pretend to have authority on any subject. I have become a pretty simple guy. I am bipolar but more than that I am human. I am not trying to tell you anything about how to run your life. I don’t necessarily know better than anyone about many things. I merely wish to share some of my experience and conclusions. All of us that have a mental illness need to get on a path of healing that is exclusive to ourselves. For me, without adopting a simple approach to life and realizing compassion for myself I would now be dead.

It is my intention to reach out to you. I have, like many, experienced suffering in my life. I offer perspectives and resources that have helped me to move through the suffering to more of a place of acceptance and recovery. I now believe that I do not have to suffer even though there will still be pain at times in life. At best I can open a few doors for you to consider. You must contemplate the path that you wish to take. There is a joke that asks, "How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?” The answer, one, but the light bulb really has to want to change. While this is sort of funny, the truth is that you have to be ready to change.

Just wanting it may not be enough. For me I had to have nothing left to consider. Letting go of our way of looking at things and foregoing our fears is a place of complete submission. It is a place where no resistance is left. This place can be scary. We hold so tightly to remain in control. We often feel that the suffering that we know is a far less threatening life than the vague promise of a life of equanimity. We do not know what life would be like, or could be like. This is the fear of the unknown. Alfred Hitchcock understood the power of this clearly. Often what you did not see on the screen was the most impactful. We cannot believe that peace can exist. Death may seem eminent. If you are fortunate it will lead to egoic submission. A death to the part of us that held us in suffering. Sadly too many do not survive this process and for them mental illness is a death sentence. In this way having a mental illness can be a lot like having a substance abuse problem. Remember “denial” is not a river in Egypt. As you proceed down the path toward recovery you will find that how you see things has a fundamental impact on your entire life. When you realize that you can choose how you feel about anything you begin to live free. Actually there is nothing that prevents you from being free now. It may be a bit hard to accept at this point in the journey. This is fine. Frankly this is a lesson that I am constantly reminded of.

Most of my life I have been pretty clever. I could see how many things worked. Actually, I could not stop noticing all sorts of things. Things abstract, things concrete, things philosophic, and things emotional were rushing through me. Each moment was intense. Often I did not have the ability to keep up with this stimulus. Like a boat being capsized by a wave, this torrent of thoughts captured me. It swallowed me up and became my identity. I could no longer see the difference between the suffering and who I really was. In my mind I was a bad person, a disappointment, and because I could not pay attention to things that others demanded of me a failure.

Because I was clever I was expected to achieve many things. Because of my emotions and the focus on my dramas I rarely did. I was told often and in many ways that I was a disappointment. Teachers, my mother, father, and the world at large reinforced this message. I saw myself as a "bad person". This added fuel to the fire of my suffering. This is too often the case for us. One of the core issues that people with mental illnesses face is the breakdown of important relationships. Parents give up flabbergasted with outrageous or incomprehensible behavior. Teachers over taxed recognize issues but can’t deal with them. Employers tired of the deficiencies that they see fire us. Husbands and wives part with hurt and distrust. These people, many with their own suffering and pain, simply are not equipped to either understand or support us. Can you blame them really?

As these relationships deteriorate we begin to lose many of the basic building blocks that are required to have healthy and stable lives. As jobs are lost and incomes falter we face the possibility of losing such things as, housing, access to medical care (a vastly important part of staying stable), we may also lose the ability to even acquire food, and for many their liberty:

Based on admission rates reported in Bureau of Justice Statistics Bulletin, Census of Jails, 1999 nearly two million new jail admissions are of people with mental illnesses—35,000 individuals a week.
More than 16% of jail inmates have a mental illness, according to the United States Department of Justice.
Seventy percent of jail inmates with mental illnesses are there for nonviolent offenses

Abraham Maslow a professor of psychology did a study and published a paper in 1943 A Theory of Human Motivation. In this work Maslow suggests that a human must have some basic needs met in order to become what he called a “self actualized being”. These needs are generally broken down into five levels. Four levels are considered as what are necessary for base psychological needs. These are often referred to as “d-needs” or “deficiency needs”. The fifth level is where human psychological growth is possible. To Maslow this is where people like Einstein, Gandhi, and the Dali Lama hang out. All though these people are exceptional examples: growth, understanding and well being are available to all of us. We can receive nourishment and nourish others when we have our basic needs met. When we begin to understand our individualized needs, we begin to find our path toward recovery.

In brief, Maslow's hierarchy of needs can be expressed as:

Physical needs of an organism or that of homeostasis (These are the basic human needs to sustain life. If your lacking food, water, warmth, or the body is chemically imbalanced all of your energies will be dedicated to assuring that these needs are met. Other needs farther up the chain will go unmet.):

Breathing
Eating
Excretion
Sex

Safety needs (As physical needs are relatively met an individual’s safety needs take the stage and dominate behavior. These stimulate behaviors and emotions to assert control over our environment.):

Personal security
Financial security
Health and wellness
A support or safety net against accidents, illness, or impactful events

Social needs (Humans are naturally social beings. This involves emotionally based relationships. Humans need to feel accepted and needed.):

Intimacy
Supportive family relationships

Esteem needs (People need to have self-esteem, self-respect, and respect from others. They need to feel that they contribute and are accepted by others.)

Growth needs (At this point with more basic needs being met a person can have their behaviors and emotions stop being motivated by the basic or deficiency needs and can start to grow.)

So far my experience of being bipolar is concurrent with Maslow’s assertions. In my life much of the supporting relationships were lost. I was divorced, lost jobs, lost housing, lost my health, was jailed for not being able to pay child support, and as a result I was spiraling ever downward. One thing that I have learned is that I was not a bad person for not being able to cope and neither are you. I did not see a way how to deal with this disruption of my basic needs that are due to a bio-chemical and psychological problem. Under these circumstances anyone has a significant probability for failure and misery. Those who judge people harshly in this light are perhaps not considering things with good reasoning. Maslow suggests that, “anyone who attempts to make an emergency picture into a typical one and who will measure all of man's goals and desires by his [her] behavior during extreme physiological deprivation, is certainly blind to many things". Simply, a person in panic is likely to act irrationally. This has nothing to do with judgment of whether they are good or bad. This is true for ourselves and those that look upon us and attach a stigma because of our illness. It also illustrates further why those with a mental illness fail. While in the throes of our struggle to live we are least capable of doing so. We are seen as faltering on our responsibilities. Society expects us to do our part and take care of our business and it is actually reasonable for them to do so. Though there may be some things we cannot do ourselves, there is nothing we can't get done. With resolve, an open heart, and willingness to learn we can be responsible and apply what we can do. We can work with our medical practitioners to find the right medication. We can find cognitive support. We can find methods to deal the challenges as they come. Being responsible is in how we respond to our abilities. Take leadership in your recovery. You have to take the initiative to find the tools and support that work for you. There are many options for finding the care that best serves your needs. This may not be limited to specific medications or therapies. A good relationship with a therapist, a good diet, regular exercise, spiritual practice, and the establishment of meaningful relationships do not necessarily find you. You must be determined to find these things. Without your determination you will not see results in recovery.

Carl Rogers was a prominent professor of psychology. He taught at several leading universities. He states, "Psychotherapy does not supply motivation for such development or growth (the personality and behavior). This seems inherent in the organism, just as we find a similar tendency in the human animal to develop and mature physically, providing minimally satisfactory conditions are provided.” There is a part of you that given a chance will rise to the surface and grow. In this whole process you are the one who will have to do the work. Your doctors, therapists, mentors, spiritual advisors, family, and friends cannot do what has to be done. Mostly they cannot do it because the work that has to be done is on the inside of you. I think that it would be fair to say that Dr Rogers builds on the concepts that that Maslow suggests: given sufficient support of basic needs that people are capable of growing psychologically.

This work by Dr Rogers is now not practiced widely. This is perhaps due more to the practice of his theories than the principals themselves. His thesis that you must develop the person behind the disease simply makes sense to me on the most human level. This is where psychology and the needs of the soul meet. It is the place where I do my work with others. The key to this working is that it must be genuine. You can’t play this. You must be open also. Not to getting caught in the drama but remaining open enough to always see the person beyond the behaviors. You do not have to support destructive behaviors. If you are able to build a relationship with someone on this basis it is far less threatening for you to tell them how you feel about it. I am sure it is heresy to suggest that this simple and humble view is one of friendship. This may feel perilous for many practitioners. To do this you have to be very open. They may fear involvement in your drama as much as you do. I have seen this many times. This was a significant trap for me. I realized that most of the practitioners that I have experienced could not go to this level. Though I have found this to be the case often, I do not condemn them. They after all deserve the same human consideration that I am talking about. They too have their own fears, frustrations, doubts and pain. I have though found some very notable exceptions. My appreciation for the work of Carl Rogers is due to one such practitioner. He demonstrates this in his practice and for that I am grateful.

Establishment of the person is of paramount importance. Personhood is not merely the sum of one’s social roles; it is not merely any label that you may affix to yourself. It is broader than that. It is a matter that starts at the heart. It is the living essence that we all share. With time and inquiry you can learn to let the person in you shine. As we begin to move our awareness from being saturated by our dilemma we become less caught and more free. To do this it helps us to perhaps listen to the wisdom of the Buddha. Buddhism if nothing else is an exquisite form of psychology. Buddha says that the reason we suffer is because of our attachments. For example we may believe the only way that we can be happy is if we have a particular car, that certain job, that special relationship, that anything. The problem with this is that all of these things are in time and time at the very core of time's definition is change. It is also relative. Neither of these things allows us to keep those things that are external to us. Cars breakdown, jobs are lost, people pass in and out our lives. To believe that we have any real control other than how we choose to see these things is pure deception, at least in this context.

In China there is a story about a farmer. One day, this farmer is out in his field tending to his duties. He notices that his horse has strayed from his farm. His neighbors tell him how unfortunate this is and he remarks, “Maybe”. The next day the farmer heads out to work and sees that the horse has returned along with 7 others and the neighbors say that this is fortunate. Once again the farmer simply intones, “Maybe”. During the next day the farmer’s only son is working to tame the new horses and is thrown, breaking his leg. The neighbors of course feel that this is unfortunate and again the farmer says, “Maybe”. Soon conscription officers arrive. They tell the farmer to give them his son so he may be drafted into the army. The farmer shows them that he has a broken leg and that he is of no use to them. They agree and let him pass. For this the neighbors rejoice and comment on the farmer’s good fortune and at this the farmer merely suggests, “Maybe”. The judgments that we make about good and bad are what hold us. These judgments of good and bad are based on the context that we put them in. For the farmer good or bad judgments are arbitrary. In the beginning of the story his loss seems to be unfortunate. In the end our friend the farmer gains more horses and gets to keep his son from the army. In it's isolated state the loss of the horse may have seemed to be a bad thing. In the end it may have saved his son. Our attachment to the belief that we have to feel bad will kill us. I do want to be clear about judging good and bad. I am not saying that there is no morality. I am saying the why of people acting in immoral ways is far more likely due to a person who sees that he/she is bad before they acted that way. If you see yourself as bad you are bad. As I said throughout this chapter you can start right now on a path of recovery. Please do not be attached to the belief that there is no hope. Have the compassion on yourself to release your fears and judgments. Willingness to accept yourself starts this new journey. Once you have this open place your life will never be the same. In life I will tell you that there may still be pain. You do not have to suffer. Awareness is key to the door of a healthy and happy life. Let me quickly share with you the difference between pain and suffering. Simply stated, you are suffering if the only thing that you are is pain. When you are in pain, even significant pain, and you are still aware of things that give reason around pain you are just in pain. You are what you identify with. One example that I can use is stubbing your toe. As an adult we understand what has happened, we understand that although it is very painful it will go away. An infant however might have no way to put the pain into context. It seems come out of nowhere. Nothing else exists or is perceived. You could think of suffering like being swallowed up by a wave. There is nothing but oppressive water. No way for you to catch a breath. You are confused about which way is up. How do you survive? You are caught reacting not responding. Responding at least brings you the power of choice. Imagine the suffering that occurs the moment we are first hungry as an infant. You have absolutely no experience with anything, how do you cope? You suffer. As this happens in cycles of hunger and feeding and we learn that this is likely to continue, this suffering changes to a category of pain or annoyance. You may recognize this at work in your own experience with mental illness. You are so overwhelmed that you cannot even identify the specific pains in your life. It is faceless pain. It is suffering. It is not merely sad or angry it is blurry and very hard to live through. This is where good cognitive support like talk therapy may help. Often clients will come in and say that they are miserable and feel that they can't express the core issues. They can only speak of incomprehensible pain. There is no clarity only confusion. A good therapist will help you contextualize things. As you gain perspective you can naturally move from suffering to a place of peace. This is the basis for gaining perspective on your life and to start you have to learn to see things more broadly, compassionately, and lovingly. This open awareness will arm you to grow as a person and put you well along on a recovery path.

Where do you start on the path to recovery? Well if at this point you are in an unsafe place or have emergency needs get them taken care of. If you are really bad off go to an emergency room or call the police. I have been in county run hospitals. I have been in private hospitals. To be honest it was not always pleasant. They all have one positive attribute. I am still alive because of them. The Buddhists will tell you that every step that you take in life is as valuable as the rest. You may feel low at this point but it can be the start of getting better. I will talk more about various resources later. Remember what Maslow told us about d-needs. If you do not have basic safety in life it will be hard to move on.

The establishment of compassion for self is where the healing begins and will ever continue. Without this you will not have a mechanism for changes at the most basic levels of this process. Your ego has built in defenses against changes and is an interesting challenge to the process. The ego tends to trust it’s self. This is true even if its perspective has nothing to do with the truth. It trusts the good/bad judgments that it has made based on its experiences. As I suggested in the previous chapter experiences that are based in suffering may occlude the truth considerably. It can be very hard to accept that your suffering may be due to a disability. Our egos do not want to except blame for a disease because our minds have the misconception that we are less of a person because of it. I remember once telling a person that I felt that I was insane. She said that it was an understandable under the circumstances but that it was not ok to stay that way. In other words it was alright to have a mental illness. It was an issue of biology and some horrible experiences. I was not a deficient person but like any other illness it has to be treated. A good quality of life is available given a prudent approach that is right for you. Her words somehow got through to me. No one had ever put it to me so clearly. No one had communicated so simply. No one else had made it ok to have a problem. No one who gave me hope that it was manageable. There was no one who helped me to see that there was no fault in being me. Being bipolar is simply one aspect of me that requires attention and consideration. Heck from time to time we get haircuts. Again this is an aspect of us that needs which needs attention. It is nothing more. Obviously being bipolar is often more impactful to our lives but still means nothing more than we need to take care of ourselves.

Self Compassion In Mental Heath Recovery

2010-03-20T00:19:00.003-05:00

Self Compassion In Mental Health Recovery

In our effort to find recovery for ourselves there are some challenges that are significant. It is normal that our experience up to this point has been filled with things that make us afraid. Fear can come from many places. Many of these fears make it hard for us to accept ourselves and our challenges. This type of fear can make it very hard to accept things as they are. They can make it difficult to accept ourselves in a loving manner. Without loving ourselves in this way it is likely that we will never make progress in our recovery. Compassion for yourself will allow you to see your disease openly. It helps to remove the significant barriers that your ego places before change. With the power of a compassionate point of view we can look at those things that have hurt us. It helps us to accept that we have a disease. It also helps you to see the impact of your disease on those around you in a new way.

In the course of my mental illness I came to the realization that having a mental illness strikes deeper than just the mind. It becomes an affliction of the heart. The years of suffering dig deep within us and can eat us alive. These wounds are so tender that without the mechanisms of compassion we are not able to grow. Abraham Maslow suggests in Toward a Psychology of Being [1968], that emotional maturity requires a mind that does not judge, is self-forgiving and includes a loving acceptance of self. Sometimes this can seem difficult to view ourselves in this light.

In doing my research I looked to see what various publications had to say about self-compassion and how one might empower themselves to accept themselves in this light. I would love to give you a simple light switch method which enables you to instantly be self-compassionate. Self-compassion is a lifelong process. There are many days with pain that cloud this perspective. We find that as we watch our pain then we start to understand it, the pain becomes instructive. This instruction is part of our learning in self-compassion. To be able to openly look at those things that imbibe us with suffering becomes transmuted into the power to overcome the death grip that is associated with our pain. It can free us from ruminating in pity for ourselves and can free our body, mind, and spirit.

What is self-compassion? The literal definition of compassion means “to suffer with”. Having compassion for yourself means that you have to recognize your suffering. You must look at this suffering in a kind and loving way. We have to allow ourselves to look at our disease openly and honestly. Our egos have been trained by our experience. Often this experience is derived from our process of becoming a social being. We get used to hearing that outside voice that tells us where we might not be good enough in another person’s point of view. We tend to believe whatever these outside voices tell us and take this to heart. This guilt, shame, blame and condemnation will kill our sense of self worth.

Self-compassion is a concept that is deeper than just your self-esteem. A bully can feel pretty good about beating someone else up. A person may think so highly of themselves that they can see nothing but their wants and desires. To make progress in recovery you must be able to see yourself clearly. You must forgo the judgments and condemnation. View yourself in a warm an accepting manner. We have to accept that in this process of recovery there will be bad days. There will be pain. Self-compassion will help us to accept the way things are now and give us perspective on how to change for the future.

According to Karen Neff PhD, an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin, self-compassion has three main components. The first part is self-kindness. Self-kindness allows us to look at our failings and suffering with a gentle perspective and helps us to understand that bad things happen to good people. With self-kindness we are equipped to deal with the self-hatred and judgment we face. We can allow ourselves both the mistakes of the past and those of the present.

The next part of self-compassion is to realize our common humanity. All of us have had struggles, suffering and pain. When you realize that everyone experiences these things it helps us to understand not only that it is ok for us to have issues but that others around us may have some too. It breaks down the feeling that you are the only one with a problem. It helps us to be less isolated in our pain. We find that we are less judgemental about ourselves and others.

Self-compassion requires that we take a balanced look at our thoughts and emotions. This shows us the need to foster a place within ourselves that is aware of our thoughts and behaviors. To take this balanced approach we must develop our minds. This development of our minds may be called mindfulness. When we work to be aware of our thoughts and feelings we can deal with them openly. This makes perfect sense. If we do not realize that there are fears and judgments in our deepest thoughts we can do nothing to deal with them. They control us as compared to us controlling them. Even if we cannot control these feelings and thoughts being mindful of them and patient will in time lead to acceptance.

I encourage you to spend 5 minutes, two times per day, to sit quietly and watch your thoughts. While you look at your thoughts choose to look at yourself in a tender light. Be kind to yourself. Soon you will begin to notice that you are developing the person behind the disease. Once you can do this you are on your way to recovery.