Alas Poor Vince I Knew Him Well - Suicide of A Kind Soul

Suffering (Photo credit: Mockney Rebel)

Last week, one of the people that I have been privileged to work with found that life was too difficult to bear. It would seem that he had no self-preservation instinct left at all. I know this place all to well. I have been there too. The difference between Vince and myself is that I got caught.

This man may have been one of the most kind and gentle souls that I have ever known. He lived in absolute terror for many years. He had the overwhelming feeling and belief that people were watching him and out to get him. Unfortunately many of the people who were supposed to be looking out for him fell short of their responsibility. I say this because I have heard comments from other practitioners who did not accept that he had strong paranoid beliefs. I’m not writing this to condemn them. I am however suggesting that it is very easy for us to discredit the feelings and symptoms of those people that we work with. I think that this is somewhat understandable with the enormous caseloads and limited resources that many of us have to help others.

It’s very likely that in this case his kind and gentle demeanor worked against him. It simply amazed me that anybody who was so kind and gracious could believe that people were out to get him. We talked often. I never doubted that he was scared. I never doubted that he was troubled. We walked side-by-side, hand-in-hand, together for a while.. On a daily basis I saw how much fear this man went through. It may sound odd, but I don’t mourn his death. Death comes to us all. What I do mourn is his suffering. Perhaps this is because suffering is something that almost everybody can identify with.

The Buddha suggests that all of life can offer the substance of suffering. Life involves suffering. Death involves suffering. Sickness involves suffering. Getting what you want involves suffering. Getting what you don’t want involves suffering, the more we struggle to hold on to everything, the more we suffer. Life is a process of constant change and continued losses.

We do not ultimately become happy because of that car, that girl, that job, or any other external factor. When we cannot see anything but incomprehensible fear, none of these things can have a lasting positive impact. All of these things will feel like a loss in time. This is particularly true in the case of people who have mental illnesses. Unless you have lived in this space you may not truly be able to understand. I don’t believe anyone wishes to have a life comprised of a repressive mind. Perhaps this is why I am not trying to impeach the practitioners that he worked with. It can be very difficult to identify with the details and the symptoms unless we can make a comparison to our own suffering. How can we clearly look at someone who has a mental illness? What factors occlude our views of others?

I think there’s a trap that we set for ourselves when we work with others. Do we see those  that we work with as people? Can we recognize their humanity, or do we see them as a collection of symptoms? Do we see them as a diagnosis? Without the recognition of their humanity you cannot make a lasting impact on somebody’s life. Unfortunately, the way that these cases are delivered to us are via a diagnosis and symptoms. These diagnoses indicate certain protocols. It would seem that there is a one-sized, fits all, application of treatment. This does not work well in an environment where each individual has their own set of challenges.

Each of us, has our own path up the mountain. Due to this, I would like to challenge those who work with those who suffer to see each person in a holistic light. Strive to not see them as just a diagnosis. Strive to see the diagnosis as a description, a general description, of a predicament. When we look at our treatment protocols, we have to consider the whole person in order to help them. We have to look beyond the newest fads in treatments. Instead we should look at working with people as other craftsmen look at their trade. A master craftsman looks at his projects to find their hidden potential and selects his tools carefully to affect that outcome. I would like to urge all of us to look at people in this way. Hopefully, we will become ever more experienced at creatively meeting the needs  of others.

For me Vince will have a lasting legacy. He is such an excellent example of a compassionate soul that he has taught me a lot. These lessons have been incorporated into my set of tools. With each individual that I meet, I seek that hidden potential. Perhaps the example that he set with his gentle and kind manner can lead me to better understand those around me. I am certain that it will help me to continue to look at people with compassion and hope. I am confident that through his example I can increase my ability to be a servant to those around me.

Vince, I want to thank you for all that you’ve taught me and the confidence that you put in me. To gladden the mind we need to consider things a virtue. Without a doubt, my time with you, and my experiences of you, are full of virtue. With your passing, I will celebrate your life in the best way that I can. You will be with me always.

One Way To Find Peace

This article is dedicated to Nancy Randolph, without her this could not have been written. She is one of my personal heroes. She works in Manitowoc, Wisconsin, at the Manitowoc County Human Services Department. She applied for the initial grant to start Painting Pathways Clubhouse. On behalf of the members and staff, thank you!!

Most of us can identify with a certain amount of suffering. Some are submerged in it all the time. It, suffering, is part of the human condition. Life can be hard sometimes. Fortunately, you can learn to grow. You can begin to move past much of the suffering. It can be hard to do so alone. We must look for teachers and companions who are willing to walk down the path with us for a while. Hopefully we will find this sort of mentor and friend. The caveat is that you have to actively seek out help and advice. This is a place where many falter. It is never easy to ask for help. But take the chance, it may just change your life. 

My life experiences gave me a pretty practical understanding of suffering. I began to see this going on in the lives of others also. I could identify with the terrible cost to the souls of those who suffer. That cost can easily spread to the friends and families around them. All of this has got me thinking. When I see someone who is suffering I just want them to know they are not alone. I want to help her. The question is how do we do it? 

I have already learned that the real magic happens when you can touch the person behind the trauma. It helps to establish a place of safe acceptance and compassion for that person. This demonstration of goodwill can dry up tears and encourage. To accomplish these things with people is a bit of an art. You have to be open to them, but not captivated by their crisis. You must be compassionate and decoupled from pity. This is manifested by two people talking openly and unmasked. Being open in this way is the real miracle that we experience. I get to see these events more often at this point in life and have become grateful in the process. Sometimes we can get caught up in the drama of others. The passions are intriguing. Will She? 

Won’t He? Will they have to operate?  Are you gonna go to jail? It is hard to not get caught up in the process and the drama. Many of these crisis's are heart wrenching. Our best role is that of gentle friend. What can we really tell them about their pain that they don’t already know? To hold their hand and cry with them may be the greatest human service you can provide.

You can get convinced that you must take action or the person will face peril. Thankfully humility is ubiquitous in the universe. It offers constant little reminders for those who choose to see them. Although we are occasional conduits of grace and good will, we are not the only source of grace that is available to others.

Jane & Eglinton (Photo credit: AshtonPal)

Life, in the face of our hubris, occasionally will show us an absolutely beautiful illustration of grace. This grace is demonstrated in simple, humble human interaction. It is a moment that is bigger than just that moment. It is a bond between two people. It is no different for you and me today. It is about us. At that moment there is a partnership that is built.  

The Buddha says that to gladden the mind, we should think of things of virtue. One of these moments of virtue has been in my remembrance always. As I watched the events transpire it gladdened my mind considerably. It taught me so much in just one moment.

I spend almost every day in a wonderful place called Painting Pathways Clubhouse. The clubhouse is a successful example of what makes a great community. It is the best that I have ever seen. Great passions and ideas are mediated into something truly impressive. Most of the people who make things happen and make decisions are the members. Members at a clubhouse are people who have a mental illness. It is clear that their mental illness does not prohibit accomplishment. The clubhouse is thriving because of the members. The staff would not be able to run the place on their own.

I have come to know and appreciate many new people in my time there. Most feel like adopting family to me at this point. But in this case, I met my friend Jane on a winter afternoon. She came into the clubhouse like many do. She was a bit confused and lacked confidence. She was a good person who really felt fear about almost everything. In the process of her life she lost a good job, her emotions, her ability to remember and all of her confidence. She was not sure if the clubhouse was right for her. What would she be forced to do? I think that I suggested trying to answer the phones. She broke out in a dead sweat and swore that there was no way that she could do that. She wasn’t sure if she can handle taking messages. 

I am not sure how it happens. She began to answer calls. There is a set of skills that someone has to master in order to operate the phones. She had already achieved more than she had expected to achieve. She found a place to sit. Other members and staff  worked side-by-side with her. She became part of the business unit at our club and answers the phone regularly now. A short training session was held so more people would know how to use the phone system.  They used my friend as the example receptionist. She did the job without a flaw.  It really touched me. “Do you see recovery is possible? Good for you, Jane! See, I knew you could do it.”, echoed through my thoughts. 

We went our separate ways for a while. I got involved in a few projects and saw Jane on occasion. We would say hello and pass. By that time I had gotten  pretty used to helping and supporting Jane. Often, I have been someone who she could talk to. One day I walked in and saw dear Jane in a state that I had seen before. This was not a posture of happiness, it was a crisis.

Boston in the View (Photo credit: Werner Kunz)

Instantly I saw the eye to eye contact she had with one of the staff members. The staff member showed incredible compassion and a face of hopeful acceptance. She cared for Jane in such a tender and human way. I captured an image of it. I went about my business in the usual way. She was getting what she needed. I was confident that she was in good hands. These two wonderful women will be etched in my memory as a moment of virtue and it still gladdens my mind. Like the song says, “We don’t always get what we want, but we get what we need”.