Positive Psychology - A Consumer's Story - Anne Koss

Recently someone who read my work said that she felt it was positive psychology. That was wonderful to hear. It is neat to see it work for someone who is close to you. Below is the story of Anne Koss. She has been a wonderful addition to the community that I participate in. So instead of telling you about change in my words now you can hear in the words of others.

Anne Koss

My name is Anne Koss and this is my story.  Before I got involved with Painting Pathways my life was not going so well.  I had made some poor decisions and wound up in jail.  I had struggled with bi-polar illness and addictions.  As a result, I had burned many bridges.  I was scared and my self esteem was at an all time low.  Some of the things that other people take for granted, such as spending time with loved ones and having mutual trust with others, was not possible for me.  When I got out of jail I ended up living in a homeless shelter for three months because I had nowhere else to go.

 My sisters, Mary and Judy, heard about Painting Pathways Clubhouse from Jane at United Way and they made arrangements for me to learn more.  I immediately felt a sense of belonging.  I began making friends right away, and discovered that others had experienced situations similar to mine.  The level of acceptance I felt was amazing.  Participating in the dual recovery support group allowed me to express my feelings and emotions.  Keeping busy in the culinary unit baking, cooking and helping others gave me a sense of purpose.  I began to develop confidence.  I also began to understand the importance of setting goals in my life and following through.

Now my life has changed for the better.  Rather than feeling scared and lonely, I now feel more content and open to positive people.  I am stable.  While I know I have more challenges ahead, I have hope.  I am now living independently in my own apartment and I’m attempting to get custody of my son, Jake.  I am ready to be a good parent, sister and friend.  When people see me today, they can’t believe the changes I have made and the person I am becoming.  My story is just one example of how Painting Pathways is changing lives! - Anne koss

Strong caring and compassionate relationships go a long way to build the person behind the difficulties. But then, this is something that we all face in our lives. We all need someone who is empathetic and can truly understand. In this story Anne found compassion from others. I think that her recovery is based on compassion for herself and the compassion from the members and staff at Painting Pathways. Way to go Anne!

Self-Compassion In Mental Health Recovery

Self-Compassion?

In our effort to find recovery for ourselves there are some challenges that are significant. It is normal that our experience up to this point has been filled with things that make us afraid. Fear can come from many places. Many of these fears make it hard for us to accept ourselves and our challenges.  This type of fear can make it very hard to accept things as they are. They can make it difficult to accept ourselves in a loving manner.  Without loving ourselves in this way it is likely that we will never make progress in our recovery.   Compassion for yourself will allow you to see your disease openly. It helps to remove the significant barriers that impacts our ability to change. With the power of a compassionate point of view we can look at those things that have hurt us. It helps us to accept that we have a disease. It also helps you to see the impact of your disease on those around you in a new way.

In the course of my mental illness I came to the realization that having a mental illness strikes deeper than just the mind. It becomes an affliction of the heart. The years of suffering dig deep within us and can eat us alive. These wounds are so tender that without the mechanisms of compassion we are not able to grow. Abraham Maslow [1968], that emotional maturity requires a mind that does not judge, is self-forgiving and includes a loving acceptance of self. Sometimes this can seem difficult to view ourselves in this light.

In doing my research I looked to see what various publications had to say about self-compassion and how one might empower them to accept themselves in this light. I would love to give you a simple light switch method which enables you to instantly be self-compassionate. Self-compassion is a lifelong process. There are many days with pain that cloud this perspective. We find that as we watch our pain then we start to understand it, the pain becomes instructive. This instruction is part of our learning in self-compassion. To be able to openly look at those things that imbibe us with suffering becomes transmuted into the power to overcome the death grip that is associated with our pain. It can free us from ruminating in pity for ourselves and can free our body, mind, and spirit.

What is self-compassion? The literal definition of compassion means “to suffer with”. Having compassion for yourself means that you have to recognize your suffering. You must look at this suffering in a kind and loving way. We have to allow ourselves to look at our disease openly and honestly. Our egos have been trained by our experience. Often this experience is derived from our process of becoming a social being. We get used to hearing that outside voice that tells us that we might not be, "good enough in another person’s point of view. We tend to believe whatever these outside voices tell us and take this to heart. This guilt, shame, blame and condemnation will kill our sense of self worth.

Self-compassion is a concept that is deeper than just your self-esteem. A bully can feel pretty good about beating someone else up. A person may think so highly of themselves that they can see nothing but their wants and desires. To make progress in recovery you must be able to see yourself clearly. You must forgo the judgments and condemnation. View yourself in a warm an accepting manner. We have to accept that in this process of recovery there will be bad days. There will be pain. Self-compassion will help us to accept the way things are now and give us perspective on how to change for the future.

According to Karen Neff PhD, an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin, self-compassion has three main components. The first part is self-kindness. Self-kindness allows us to look at our failings and suffering with a gentle perspective and helps us to understand that bad things happen to good people. With self-kindness we are equipped to deal with the self-hatred and judgment we face. We can allow ourselves both the mistakes of the past and those of the present.

The next part of self-compassion is to realize our common humanity. All of us have had struggles, suffering and pain. When you realize that everyone experiences these things it helps us to understand not only that it is ok for us to have issues but that others around us may have some too. It breaks down the feeling that you are the only one with a problem. It helps us to be less isolated in our pain. We find that we are less judgemental about ourselves and others.

Self-compassion requires that we take a balanced look at our thoughts and emotions. This shows us the need to foster a place within ourselves that is aware of our thoughts and behaviors. To take this balanced approach we must develop our minds. This development of our minds may be called mindfulness. When we work to be aware of our thoughts and feelings we can deal with them openly. This makes perfect sense. If we do not realize that there are fears and judgments in our deepest thoughts we can do nothing to deal with them. They control us as compared to us controlling them. Even if we cannot control these feelings and thoughts being mindful of them and patient will in time lead to acceptance.

I encourage you to spend 5 minutes, two times per day, to sit quietly and watch your thoughts. While you look at your thoughts choose to look at yourself in a tender light. Be kind to yourself. Soon you will begin to notice that you are developing the person behind the disease. Once you can do this you are on your way to recovery.

A Practical Approach To Self-Compassion Continued

So far in this series of articles about self-compassion we have examined several key concepts. For you to foster self-compassion we discovered that:

• 1. We must actively hold ourselves in a tender and loving manner to come into greater acceptance of yourself you must be able to observe your deepest thoughts and feelings
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• 2. A tool that you can use to see these things clearly asks us to take five minutes at least two 
• times per day a to still our bodies and minds
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• 3. When we do quiet ourselves we can begin to see ourselves in a permissive state. From this we build the ability to respond in a thoughtful manner to our situation. This ability to respond gives us greater power to change then the thoughtless reactions that is often the norm in life.

Inscribed above Gandhi's tomb is, "Think of the poorest person you've ever seen and ask whether your next act will be of any use." This poverty could be related to many facets of our life. In our own lives many have experienced poverty in our feelings, poverty of acceptance, poverty in our isolation, as well as financial poverty. From time to time we all may suffer a life filled with poverty of many types. These unmet needs can often cause us to feel isolated and alone. It would seem that we are the only people who carry our burdens. We need to begin to remember that we are not the only people to experience loss and isolation. When we begin to see how common that our experience is we can start to feel less isolated. It helps to know that you are not alone even in your pain and suffering. That pain might be tailored to our experience but we are not the only person who bares sickness, sorrow, disease and pain.

The ancient Pali word, "metta" means loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and non-violence. It usually used to indicate an approximate means by which we can have a strong desire to see all beings experience peace and happiness. The inclusive attributes helps us to connect with both the joys and suffering of ourselves and others. This can be practiced as a "metta meditation".

For our purposes meditation in this instance means to quietly sit and reflect on thoughts of peace and happiness for all. This includes ourselves. Take a moment, close your eyes and imagine that as far as you can see there are beings of every race, creed and color. Think about a memory where you feel loving and kind. Concentrate on not just the event but the actual feelings involved. You may notice that you have actual physical feelings associated with this. When this feeling is clear enough simply transfer those feelings to all beings. Imagine that this feeling is like a bright light shining in your heart. Let this light of love and compassion spread to cover everyone and everything.

This method helps us to build a rapport with something greater than ourselves. By this process you can gain a sense that you are far from alone. You begin to see your inter-connected nature. As you start to feel this connection you realize that you are experiencing many of the same things that those around you do. This can lead to acceptance that to have pain is a normal part of life and that others share in your burden. Once you come to the conclusion that others experience pain and suffering you can begin understand that your pain is reasonable. It is empowering to see that others move on in their pain and that you can too.

A Practical Approach To Self-Compassion

Image via Wikipedia

Self-compassion is your greatest source of strength. In my previous article, Self-compassion In Mental Health Recovery, I talked about becoming compassionate with yourself is a life long process. It stands to reason that the process has to start somewhere. The trick, if there is one, comes in finding the methods and tools that are exclusive to your needs. For self-compassion to rise in you, a very personal approach must be adopted. This is true not only for developing the skills of compassion but all work that you do in personal development. The fortunate part of this process is that once you do get methods and tools that work for you personal growth starts to build its own momentum.

I recommend in my work with others to start very simply. I suggest that you start by simply watching your intentions at least twice a day for 5 minutes. The reason that I suggest that you start with 5 minutes is because it can be hard in our busy lives to grant ourselves any time for personal work. It is easier to build a regular habit of reflection if we are not defeated at the beginning by not having sufficient time to do the work. It also contributes to fostering the first skill that we need to successfully realize growth. This skill is learning to quiet your mind.

The Buddhist call the unquieted mind the, "Monkey Mind". It is full of chatty frenetic conversation about everything. Will she like me? Should I check my email? What should I do for dinner? What if my boss does not like that report? It is involved in almost endless consideration of everything accept peace and quiet. It gets lost in every moment but now. It ruminates about the past and speculates about the future. It does this in a less than conscience manner. To be compassionate with yourself you have to be rooted in the the present moment. Life is a series of many moments. The only time that you can do anything is right now. If you can not focus on right now you are defeated in the process.

So how do we begin to quiet the mind? To quiet the mind it is helpful to quiet the body. Find a place where you can be relaxed and are not likely to be disturbed. Turn off the phone. You must give yourself the permission to take the time that you need. We afford ourselves other needs that we have. Even really busy people must eat. Does being quiet rate as a need like eating? My simple answer is that to be happier and more self-compassionate it does. This permissive state is an example of self-kindness. We need to start allowing ourselves the things thats are required for our mental and spiritual health.

Image via Wikipedia

Once you have found a place where you can be physically relaxed the process of quieting the body can be as simple as sitting still. This again can be a challenge. Be gentle with yourself at this time. If you need to scratch yourself, shift your weight it is ok to do so. Just do so in a relaxed state and return your body to rest. Don't worry if you have a hard time. This is a skill and any skill takes some time to develop. If you find that you have more physical angst you may find it necessary to add some breathing techniques. We want to encourage ourselves to breathe in a relaxed manner. Perhaps you may want to start off with slowly inhaling deeply. Fill your lungs completely. Breathe from your stomach.


Try not to let your shoulders rise with your inhalation. If you let your shoulders rise you are adding stress to your body not relaxing it. This tends to stress the shoulders, neck, back, and head. After you have inhaled, pause for a two count, then slowly and completely exhale. Do this several times. As you begin to take full breaths in and out, in a slow and steady manner you can begin to let your breath settle down to let it do its own thing. Our breathing is interesting in that it can be both voluntary and involuntary. When you are relaxed your breathing will be also.


Okay so what if you find it hard to sit for 5 minutes in this way, are you prevented from quieting the body and the mind? Certainly not. Perhaps going for a nice stroll will help you to relax. What we are trying to foster is something that Herbert Benson, M.D. and others refer to as the, "Relaxation Response". Simply, this is the response that our body and minds have when stilled. This response is key to progress in building the skill of a quieted mind.

So now that you have begun to quiet your mind you are on the road to finding compassion for yourself. In my next article I will explore more steps along the path to your personal self-compassion.