Positive Psychology - A Consumer's Story - Anne Koss

Recently someone who read my work said that she felt it was positive psychology. That was wonderful to hear. It is neat to see it work for someone who is close to you. Below is the story of Anne Koss. She has been a wonderful addition to the community that I participate in. So instead of telling you about change in my words now you can hear in the words of others.

Anne Koss

My name is Anne Koss and this is my story.  Before I got involved with Painting Pathways my life was not going so well.  I had made some poor decisions and wound up in jail.  I had struggled with bi-polar illness and addictions.  As a result, I had burned many bridges.  I was scared and my self esteem was at an all time low.  Some of the things that other people take for granted, such as spending time with loved ones and having mutual trust with others, was not possible for me.  When I got out of jail I ended up living in a homeless shelter for three months because I had nowhere else to go.

 My sisters, Mary and Judy, heard about Painting Pathways Clubhouse from Jane at United Way and they made arrangements for me to learn more.  I immediately felt a sense of belonging.  I began making friends right away, and discovered that others had experienced situations similar to mine.  The level of acceptance I felt was amazing.  Participating in the dual recovery support group allowed me to express my feelings and emotions.  Keeping busy in the culinary unit baking, cooking and helping others gave me a sense of purpose.  I began to develop confidence.  I also began to understand the importance of setting goals in my life and following through.

Now my life has changed for the better.  Rather than feeling scared and lonely, I now feel more content and open to positive people.  I am stable.  While I know I have more challenges ahead, I have hope.  I am now living independently in my own apartment and I’m attempting to get custody of my son, Jake.  I am ready to be a good parent, sister and friend.  When people see me today, they can’t believe the changes I have made and the person I am becoming.  My story is just one example of how Painting Pathways is changing lives! - Anne koss

Strong caring and compassionate relationships go a long way to build the person behind the difficulties. But then, this is something that we all face in our lives. We all need someone who is empathetic and can truly understand. In this story Anne found compassion from others. I think that her recovery is based on compassion for herself and the compassion from the members and staff at Painting Pathways. Way to go Anne!

Working With Those With A Mental Illness

We Work With People Not Diseases

When we work with others we have to remember two significant things. First, we are working with the human being not merely the social persona. Secondly, that the real work that we do is on us and not them. We do this work on ourselves because we have to face the numerous labels thoughts and feelings that we project on to the world. There are going to be times when you find it difficult to just interact with someone. Perhaps it's because of some aspect that we see in them. To be honest, sometimes it may be very superficial. Maybe the person you are working with has significant hygiene issues. This may prevent us from recognizing the person behind the hygiene. Some people that you work with can stimulate areas of social intolerance. Perhaps you don't have the same faith. Perhaps you don't have the same culture. Perhaps there's something else that sends you off. It doesn't matter whether it's superficial or not. It's all the same. It puts distance between you and them. When we have closed the distance between you and me, we become us.

Image via Wikipedia

The Danish philosopher Kierkegaard said, "if you label me you negate me". There is no one label or group of labels that will ever typify who we are. Even in the Bible God says about himself that, "I am that I am". He does not even try to describe or label himself. The people that you work with are what they are too. They are the, "being", part of the human being. So placing labels on people negates them. It forces us to assign them more labels. This serves to separate us further. When we are working on ourselves, often it's going to start by us being simply ourselves. To give ourselves permission to be who we are and to remove the labels that we place upon ourselves. You have to recognize your being. This can be accomplished via the lens of compassion. It is the work that we will always do first. First we do it for ourselves, and then we are enabled to do it for others.

Recognize The Whole Being, The Human Being


But how do we achieve this? How do we recognize somebody's base humanity? How can we choose to see their humanity in a way that exceeds the boundaries of our own social judgments and limitations? One obvious example of this is a comment that Mother Theresa of India made about her work with people who have leprosy. She was asked how it was possible to work with people who had such obvious and physically abhorrent diseases. Mother Theresa simply said that she saw them as God in all his most distressing disguises. It is clear that she understood that the being that dwells within is divine. It is the sacred part of us. It happens to be the one thing that we all share in common. We are not what is being experienced, or the process of experiencing, we are the one who experiences. She was a great servant of humanity because she saw the being within, and accepted the being without.

Mother-Teresa-collage (Photo credit: Peta-de-Aztlan)

Understanding Our Practices

To train ourselves in this way, we are required to practice in this way. In order to see somebody else's humanity, you must see your own. In order to have sympathy for somebody's predicament, you must have it for your own predicament. This is what takes off the labels, the blinders, the hatreds, and the things that separate us. There's an interesting story about a young boy having a discussion with his father. The boy says that he's going to write a story about himself. The father thought for a moment. Then he suggested to the young man that if he is going to write a story about his life that he should do so in a way that teaches others about their own lives. When we go through this process of training and working on ourselves we do that so we can translate that to others.

If you work with people who have mental illnesses you're going to hear a lot of labels. These are lables that are used by society and ourselves. You may hear bipolar. You may hear depressed. You may hear schizophrenic. These terms communicate some generalities that we can use to gain perspective about an individual's predicament. Each person that we work with will have their individual path from their disease to their recovery. The Buddha suggests that we all have our own path up the mountain. Our job with others is to erase these labels. We must strive to help others find their path. When we help others to remove the labels that they placed upon themselves they will begin to find their own path. In the end we do this because this helps to remove one of the most insidious labels that we encounter. This is the label of," mentally ill".

A Life You Can Walk Through

Introduction by Robert Frost, Road Not Taken

If you take a moment to consider it, there may be some benefits to walking. You may find that it is an investment that pays off in your whole being. In his poem, The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost says: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference". He begins this poem wondering about how to choose the path to take. In the journey of life, what dictates the roads that we will follow? How do we choose when we come upon one of the many junctions that we face? Do we choose our path because the rest of the herd goes there?  Does that suit our truths and individual needs? We should also think about how we will travel it. We have to understand what will bring us the most benefit. Will we walk, drive, or fly? Why do we choose to do it that way?

Great benefits of walking

For me I have chosen the path that dictates a simple life. I have a literal road that I walk. Actually, I walk almost every where that I go. This has introduced me to the benefits of walking. For me the decision to use my feet as a primary mode of transportation has made, “all the difference”. It helps me to take things as they come. Literally and figuratively one step at a time. Not only do I experience more of what goes on around me, I have found tranquility. I am dedicated to this simple act. It has brought me great peace and has changed my point of view about the world.

Here are 5 great benefits of walking

1. Walking gives us a way to manage the momentum of our lives.

2. It enforces a certain determination to reach a goal.

3. We work with each step to both identify and overcome those things that challenge us in our path.

4. Regular walks build the health and vitality of our bodies.

5. Our minds get the support that a healthy body provides

Walking benefits your whole life

A life you can walk through

We all search for peace and equanimity. How many of us find it? In my experience it seems to allude most of us today. We can have busy and frenetic lives. Whether you choose, like I have, to walk it may not matter. But ask yourself, do I take moments of quiet reflection in life?  We can foster peace and well-being.  This happens when we understand where we go and how we get there. Please consider your road. Perhaps you may consider how walking can benefit you. When you do, you may also experience a life you can walk through.

One Way To Find Peace

This article is dedicated to Nancy Randolph, without her this could not have been written. She is one of my personal heroes. She works in Manitowoc, Wisconsin, at the Manitowoc County Human Services Department. She applied for the initial grant to start Painting Pathways Clubhouse. On behalf of the members and staff, thank you!!

Most of us can identify with a certain amount of suffering. Some are submerged in it all the time. It, suffering, is part of the human condition. Life can be hard sometimes. Fortunately, you can learn to grow. You can begin to move past much of the suffering. It can be hard to do so alone. We must look for teachers and companions who are willing to walk down the path with us for a while. Hopefully we will find this sort of mentor and friend. The caveat is that you have to actively seek out help and advice. This is a place where many falter. It is never easy to ask for help. But take the chance, it may just change your life. 

My life experiences gave me a pretty practical understanding of suffering. I began to see this going on in the lives of others also. I could identify with the terrible cost to the souls of those who suffer. That cost can easily spread to the friends and families around them. All of this has got me thinking. When I see someone who is suffering I just want them to know they are not alone. I want to help her. The question is how do we do it? 

I have already learned that the real magic happens when you can touch the person behind the trauma. It helps to establish a place of safe acceptance and compassion for that person. This demonstration of goodwill can dry up tears and encourage. To accomplish these things with people is a bit of an art. You have to be open to them, but not captivated by their crisis. You must be compassionate and decoupled from pity. This is manifested by two people talking openly and unmasked. Being open in this way is the real miracle that we experience. I get to see these events more often at this point in life and have become grateful in the process. Sometimes we can get caught up in the drama of others. The passions are intriguing. Will She? 

Won’t He? Will they have to operate?  Are you gonna go to jail? It is hard to not get caught up in the process and the drama. Many of these crisis's are heart wrenching. Our best role is that of gentle friend. What can we really tell them about their pain that they don’t already know? To hold their hand and cry with them may be the greatest human service you can provide.

You can get convinced that you must take action or the person will face peril. Thankfully humility is ubiquitous in the universe. It offers constant little reminders for those who choose to see them. Although we are occasional conduits of grace and good will, we are not the only source of grace that is available to others.

Jane & Eglinton (Photo credit: AshtonPal)

Life, in the face of our hubris, occasionally will show us an absolutely beautiful illustration of grace. This grace is demonstrated in simple, humble human interaction. It is a moment that is bigger than just that moment. It is a bond between two people. It is no different for you and me today. It is about us. At that moment there is a partnership that is built.  

The Buddha says that to gladden the mind, we should think of things of virtue. One of these moments of virtue has been in my remembrance always. As I watched the events transpire it gladdened my mind considerably. It taught me so much in just one moment.

I spend almost every day in a wonderful place called Painting Pathways Clubhouse. The clubhouse is a successful example of what makes a great community. It is the best that I have ever seen. Great passions and ideas are mediated into something truly impressive. Most of the people who make things happen and make decisions are the members. Members at a clubhouse are people who have a mental illness. It is clear that their mental illness does not prohibit accomplishment. The clubhouse is thriving because of the members. The staff would not be able to run the place on their own.

I have come to know and appreciate many new people in my time there. Most feel like adopting family to me at this point. But in this case, I met my friend Jane on a winter afternoon. She came into the clubhouse like many do. She was a bit confused and lacked confidence. She was a good person who really felt fear about almost everything. In the process of her life she lost a good job, her emotions, her ability to remember and all of her confidence. She was not sure if the clubhouse was right for her. What would she be forced to do? I think that I suggested trying to answer the phones. She broke out in a dead sweat and swore that there was no way that she could do that. She wasn’t sure if she can handle taking messages. 

I am not sure how it happens. She began to answer calls. There is a set of skills that someone has to master in order to operate the phones. She had already achieved more than she had expected to achieve. She found a place to sit. Other members and staff  worked side-by-side with her. She became part of the business unit at our club and answers the phone regularly now. A short training session was held so more people would know how to use the phone system.  They used my friend as the example receptionist. She did the job without a flaw.  It really touched me. “Do you see recovery is possible? Good for you, Jane! See, I knew you could do it.”, echoed through my thoughts. 

We went our separate ways for a while. I got involved in a few projects and saw Jane on occasion. We would say hello and pass. By that time I had gotten  pretty used to helping and supporting Jane. Often, I have been someone who she could talk to. One day I walked in and saw dear Jane in a state that I had seen before. This was not a posture of happiness, it was a crisis.

Boston in the View (Photo credit: Werner Kunz)

Instantly I saw the eye to eye contact she had with one of the staff members. The staff member showed incredible compassion and a face of hopeful acceptance. She cared for Jane in such a tender and human way. I captured an image of it. I went about my business in the usual way. She was getting what she needed. I was confident that she was in good hands. These two wonderful women will be etched in my memory as a moment of virtue and it still gladdens my mind. Like the song says, “We don’t always get what we want, but we get what we need”. 

Self-Compassion In Mental Health Recovery

Self-Compassion?

In our effort to find recovery for ourselves there are some challenges that are significant. It is normal that our experience up to this point has been filled with things that make us afraid. Fear can come from many places. Many of these fears make it hard for us to accept ourselves and our challenges.  This type of fear can make it very hard to accept things as they are. They can make it difficult to accept ourselves in a loving manner.  Without loving ourselves in this way it is likely that we will never make progress in our recovery.   Compassion for yourself will allow you to see your disease openly. It helps to remove the significant barriers that impacts our ability to change. With the power of a compassionate point of view we can look at those things that have hurt us. It helps us to accept that we have a disease. It also helps you to see the impact of your disease on those around you in a new way.

In the course of my mental illness I came to the realization that having a mental illness strikes deeper than just the mind. It becomes an affliction of the heart. The years of suffering dig deep within us and can eat us alive. These wounds are so tender that without the mechanisms of compassion we are not able to grow. Abraham Maslow [1968], that emotional maturity requires a mind that does not judge, is self-forgiving and includes a loving acceptance of self. Sometimes this can seem difficult to view ourselves in this light.

In doing my research I looked to see what various publications had to say about self-compassion and how one might empower them to accept themselves in this light. I would love to give you a simple light switch method which enables you to instantly be self-compassionate. Self-compassion is a lifelong process. There are many days with pain that cloud this perspective. We find that as we watch our pain then we start to understand it, the pain becomes instructive. This instruction is part of our learning in self-compassion. To be able to openly look at those things that imbibe us with suffering becomes transmuted into the power to overcome the death grip that is associated with our pain. It can free us from ruminating in pity for ourselves and can free our body, mind, and spirit.

What is self-compassion? The literal definition of compassion means “to suffer with”. Having compassion for yourself means that you have to recognize your suffering. You must look at this suffering in a kind and loving way. We have to allow ourselves to look at our disease openly and honestly. Our egos have been trained by our experience. Often this experience is derived from our process of becoming a social being. We get used to hearing that outside voice that tells us that we might not be, "good enough in another person’s point of view. We tend to believe whatever these outside voices tell us and take this to heart. This guilt, shame, blame and condemnation will kill our sense of self worth.

Self-compassion is a concept that is deeper than just your self-esteem. A bully can feel pretty good about beating someone else up. A person may think so highly of themselves that they can see nothing but their wants and desires. To make progress in recovery you must be able to see yourself clearly. You must forgo the judgments and condemnation. View yourself in a warm an accepting manner. We have to accept that in this process of recovery there will be bad days. There will be pain. Self-compassion will help us to accept the way things are now and give us perspective on how to change for the future.

According to Karen Neff PhD, an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin, self-compassion has three main components. The first part is self-kindness. Self-kindness allows us to look at our failings and suffering with a gentle perspective and helps us to understand that bad things happen to good people. With self-kindness we are equipped to deal with the self-hatred and judgment we face. We can allow ourselves both the mistakes of the past and those of the present.

The next part of self-compassion is to realize our common humanity. All of us have had struggles, suffering and pain. When you realize that everyone experiences these things it helps us to understand not only that it is ok for us to have issues but that others around us may have some too. It breaks down the feeling that you are the only one with a problem. It helps us to be less isolated in our pain. We find that we are less judgemental about ourselves and others.

Self-compassion requires that we take a balanced look at our thoughts and emotions. This shows us the need to foster a place within ourselves that is aware of our thoughts and behaviors. To take this balanced approach we must develop our minds. This development of our minds may be called mindfulness. When we work to be aware of our thoughts and feelings we can deal with them openly. This makes perfect sense. If we do not realize that there are fears and judgments in our deepest thoughts we can do nothing to deal with them. They control us as compared to us controlling them. Even if we cannot control these feelings and thoughts being mindful of them and patient will in time lead to acceptance.

I encourage you to spend 5 minutes, two times per day, to sit quietly and watch your thoughts. While you look at your thoughts choose to look at yourself in a tender light. Be kind to yourself. Soon you will begin to notice that you are developing the person behind the disease. Once you can do this you are on your way to recovery.

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A Practical Approach To Self-Compassion Continued

So far in this series of articles about self-compassion we have examined several key concepts. For you to foster self-compassion we discovered that:

• 1. We must actively hold ourselves in a tender and loving manner to come into greater acceptance of yourself you must be able to observe your deepest thoughts and feelings
• 
  
• 2. A tool that you can use to see these things clearly asks us to take five minutes at least two 
• times per day a to still our bodies and minds
• 
  
• 3. When we do quiet ourselves we can begin to see ourselves in a permissive state. From this we build the ability to respond in a thoughtful manner to our situation. This ability to respond gives us greater power to change then the thoughtless reactions that is often the norm in life.

Inscribed above Gandhi's tomb is, "Think of the poorest person you've ever seen and ask whether your next act will be of any use." This poverty could be related to many facets of our life. In our own lives many have experienced poverty in our feelings, poverty of acceptance, poverty in our isolation, as well as financial poverty. From time to time we all may suffer a life filled with poverty of many types. These unmet needs can often cause us to feel isolated and alone. It would seem that we are the only people who carry our burdens. We need to begin to remember that we are not the only people to experience loss and isolation. When we begin to see how common that our experience is we can start to feel less isolated. It helps to know that you are not alone even in your pain and suffering. That pain might be tailored to our experience but we are not the only person who bares sickness, sorrow, disease and pain.

The ancient Pali word, "metta" means loving-kindness, friendliness, goodwill, benevolence, fellowship, amity, concord, inoffensiveness and non-violence. It usually used to indicate an approximate means by which we can have a strong desire to see all beings experience peace and happiness. The inclusive attributes helps us to connect with both the joys and suffering of ourselves and others. This can be practiced as a "metta meditation".

For our purposes meditation in this instance means to quietly sit and reflect on thoughts of peace and happiness for all. This includes ourselves. Take a moment, close your eyes and imagine that as far as you can see there are beings of every race, creed and color. Think about a memory where you feel loving and kind. Concentrate on not just the event but the actual feelings involved. You may notice that you have actual physical feelings associated with this. When this feeling is clear enough simply transfer those feelings to all beings. Imagine that this feeling is like a bright light shining in your heart. Let this light of love and compassion spread to cover everyone and everything.

This method helps us to build a rapport with something greater than ourselves. By this process you can gain a sense that you are far from alone. You begin to see your inter-connected nature. As you start to feel this connection you realize that you are experiencing many of the same things that those around you do. This can lead to acceptance that to have pain is a normal part of life and that others share in your burden. Once you come to the conclusion that others experience pain and suffering you can begin understand that your pain is reasonable. It is empowering to see that others move on in their pain and that you can too.

Walk With Leisure Through The Park

Sometimes we just have to stop, and sniff the roses.

I have made a social agreement with myself 
To walk with leisure through the park
While on my way to my many destinations
To pause in appreciation for all of life
To experience the peace of the trees
To learn from the birds as they sing
To remember to cherish all about me

This contract with myself is not a cannon or restrictive covenant
It is but a way to inbibe the fullness and richness of life
It inhabits within a sense of wellness and whole-being

Live simply,
Take in the moments of your life and..
Walk with leisure through the park

A Practical Approach To Self-Compassion

Image via Wikipedia

Self-compassion is your greatest source of strength. In my previous article, Self-compassion In Mental Health Recovery, I talked about becoming compassionate with yourself is a life long process. It stands to reason that the process has to start somewhere. The trick, if there is one, comes in finding the methods and tools that are exclusive to your needs. For self-compassion to rise in you, a very personal approach must be adopted. This is true not only for developing the skills of compassion but all work that you do in personal development. The fortunate part of this process is that once you do get methods and tools that work for you personal growth starts to build its own momentum.

I recommend in my work with others to start very simply. I suggest that you start by simply watching your intentions at least twice a day for 5 minutes. The reason that I suggest that you start with 5 minutes is because it can be hard in our busy lives to grant ourselves any time for personal work. It is easier to build a regular habit of reflection if we are not defeated at the beginning by not having sufficient time to do the work. It also contributes to fostering the first skill that we need to successfully realize growth. This skill is learning to quiet your mind.

The Buddhist call the unquieted mind the, "Monkey Mind". It is full of chatty frenetic conversation about everything. Will she like me? Should I check my email? What should I do for dinner? What if my boss does not like that report? It is involved in almost endless consideration of everything accept peace and quiet. It gets lost in every moment but now. It ruminates about the past and speculates about the future. It does this in a less than conscience manner. To be compassionate with yourself you have to be rooted in the the present moment. Life is a series of many moments. The only time that you can do anything is right now. If you can not focus on right now you are defeated in the process.

So how do we begin to quiet the mind? To quiet the mind it is helpful to quiet the body. Find a place where you can be relaxed and are not likely to be disturbed. Turn off the phone. You must give yourself the permission to take the time that you need. We afford ourselves other needs that we have. Even really busy people must eat. Does being quiet rate as a need like eating? My simple answer is that to be happier and more self-compassionate it does. This permissive state is an example of self-kindness. We need to start allowing ourselves the things thats are required for our mental and spiritual health.

Image via Wikipedia

Once you have found a place where you can be physically relaxed the process of quieting the body can be as simple as sitting still. This again can be a challenge. Be gentle with yourself at this time. If you need to scratch yourself, shift your weight it is ok to do so. Just do so in a relaxed state and return your body to rest. Don't worry if you have a hard time. This is a skill and any skill takes some time to develop. If you find that you have more physical angst you may find it necessary to add some breathing techniques. We want to encourage ourselves to breathe in a relaxed manner. Perhaps you may want to start off with slowly inhaling deeply. Fill your lungs completely. Breathe from your stomach.


Try not to let your shoulders rise with your inhalation. If you let your shoulders rise you are adding stress to your body not relaxing it. This tends to stress the shoulders, neck, back, and head. After you have inhaled, pause for a two count, then slowly and completely exhale. Do this several times. As you begin to take full breaths in and out, in a slow and steady manner you can begin to let your breath settle down to let it do its own thing. Our breathing is interesting in that it can be both voluntary and involuntary. When you are relaxed your breathing will be also.


Okay so what if you find it hard to sit for 5 minutes in this way, are you prevented from quieting the body and the mind? Certainly not. Perhaps going for a nice stroll will help you to relax. What we are trying to foster is something that Herbert Benson, M.D. and others refer to as the, "Relaxation Response". Simply, this is the response that our body and minds have when stilled. This response is key to progress in building the skill of a quieted mind.

So now that you have begun to quiet your mind you are on the road to finding compassion for yourself. In my next article I will explore more steps along the path to your personal self-compassion.

The Road Less Traveled - Improving Our Mental Health - Improving Our Life

The Road Less Traveled - Improving Our Mental Health - Improving Our Life

For those who are new to mental health problems and for those who have a long history, it is important to look at mental illness for what it really is. It is a disease. Something that we need to deal with. The truth is that; "having a mental illness does not make us less of a person or morally deficient." Because of this fear and judgement, we have lives of guilt ridden suffering. You can let go of all the judgement. It is simply unproductive. It has nothing to do with why you were suffering. We misunderstand why we continue to suffer. But we will cover more on that later, so let us concentrate on what you can do now.

The regret you held about the past was, in the past. Leave it there. As Jesus said," Let the dead bury the dead." Do you realize that reflecting on the past is still just your current experience of it? It is not actually the past. It is what you think and feel about that past right at this moment. Research into memory shows that every time we recall a memory, it becomes modified. It is modified by the thoughts and judgements that are made about that memory, at that time. In fact, when it happens enough it can change the structure of the brain. You have to ask yourself what your real situation is now.

In this moment, how do you see yourself? You can choose to see that you are a person that has some problems that have to be dealt with. Some things you will have to do for yourself. For some things, you will need others. Keep at it, recovery can happen. For recovery to happen we must look at mental disease differently. From my experience it takes a holistic approach. You must treat the entire being; body, mind, and spirit.

You need to find a fundamental acceptance of yourself. This must be done completely, honestly, and factually. Try to do this consistently. Take it on as a way of life. Use self-compassion to let you see yourself clearly. Try to be like Gandhi and be truthful with yourself in each moment. This acceptance is key. It is what enables you. It is the first stepping stone on the pathway to a meaningful life.

Perspectives On Perception

This should not really be very surprising. Some of our oldest wisdom traditions have tried to say this for a really long time. One of these nuggets of wisdom is a saying, "To an expert few things are possible, and to a novice all things are possible". If you suffer, I suggest you become the novice. Use this moment to begin to see things differently, openly, and compassionately. Make all things possible. Take nothing off of the table. If you open your mind and allow for a different perspective you can change your life.

There is another analogy that you may be more familiar with, "some people see things through rose-colored glasses". To these people things seem to be better than perhaps they are. At very least they choose to limit how they see things. For a long time I was not able to accept that I had a mental issue or that it was bipolar disorder. It did not fit with the egoic picture that I had about myself. I was sick and kept suffering because I could not accept why. I misunderstood, like many people, about what it means to have a mental illness. It may be hard , but you can do it.

This fear, is the fear of the unknown. Alfred Hitchcock understood the power of this clearly. Often what you did not see on the screen was the most impactful. We cannot believe that peace can exist. Death may seem imminent. If you are fortunate it will lead to egoic submission. A death to the part of us that held us in suffering.

Sadly too many do not survive this process and for them mental illness is a death sentence. As you go ahead down the path toward recovery you will find that how you see things has a fundamental impact on your entire life. When you realize that you can choose how you feel about anything you begin to live free. Actually there is nothing that prevents you from being free now. It may be a bit hard to accept at this point in the journey. This is fine. Frankly, this is a lesson that I am constantly reminded of after years of practice.

As our relationships deteriorate we begin to lose many of the basic building blocks required to have healthy and stable lives. As jobs are lost and incomes falter we face the possibility of losing such things as, housing, access to medical care (a vastly important part of staying stable), we may also lose the ability to even acquire food, and for many their liberty:Abraham Maslow a professor of psychology did a study and published a paper in 1943 A Theory of Human Motivation. In this work Maslow suggests that a human must have somebasic needs met to become what he called a “self actualized being”.

These needs are generally broken down into five levels. Four levels are considered as what are necessary for base psychological needs. These are often called “d-needs” or “deficiency needs”. The fifth level is where human psychological growth is possible. To Maslow this is where people like Einstein, Gandhi, and the Dali Lama hang out. All though these people are exceptional examples: growth, understanding and well-being are available to all of us. We can receive nourishment and nourish others when we have our basic needs met. When we begin to understand our individualized needs, we begin to find our path toward recovery.Carl Rogers was a prominent professor of psychology. He taught at several leading universities. He states, "Psychotherapy does not supply motivation for such development or growth (the personality and behavior). This seems inherent in the organism, just as we find a similar tendency in the human animal to develop and mature physically, providing minimally satisfactory conditions are provided.” There is a part of you that given a chance will rise to the surface and grow. In this whole process you are the one who will have to do the work. Your doctors, therapists, mentors, spiritual advisers family, and friends cannot do what has to be done. Mostly they cannot do it because the work that has to be done is on the inside of you. I think that it would be fair to say that Dr Rogers builds on the concepts that Maslow suggests: given enough support of basic needs that people are capable of growing psychologically.

Maybe? One possible key to happiness

Awareness is key to the door of a healthy and happy life. Let me quickly share with you the difference between pain and suffering. Simply stated, you are suffering if the only thing that you are is pain. When you are in pain, even significant pain, and you are still aware of things that give reason around pain you are just in pain. You are what you identify with. One example that I can use is stubbing your toe. As an adult we understand what has happened, we understand that although it is very painful it will go away. An infant however might have no way to put the pain into context. It seems come out of nowhere. Nothing else exists or is perceived. You could think of suffering like being swallowed up by a wave. There is nothing but oppressive water. No way for you to catch a breath. You are confused about which way is up. How do you survive? You are caught reacting not responding. Responding at least brings you the power of choice. Imagine the suffering that occurs the moment we are first hungry as an infant. You have absolutely no experience with anything, how do you cope? You suffer. As this happens in cycles of hunger and feeding and we learn that this is likely to continue, this suffering changes to a class of pain or annoyance. You may recognize this at work in your own experience with mental illness. You are so overwhelmed that you cannot even name the specific pains in your life. It is faceless pain. It is suffering. It is not merely sad or angry it is blurry and very hard to live through. This is where good cognitive support like talk therapy may help. Often clients will come in and say that they are miserable and feel that they can't express the core issues. They can only speak of incomprehensible pain. There is no clarity only confusion. A good therapist will help you contextualize things. As you gain perspective you can naturally move from suffering to a place of peace. This is the basis for gaining perspective on your life and to start you have to learn to see things more broadly, compassionately, and lovingly. This open awareness will arm you to grow as a person and put you well along on a recovery path.

ENTER COMPASSION AS A PATH TO HEALING

Basic human compassion

When we learn about the experiences of people who are color blind; we learn that they do not see red or green correctly. Because of this, they may have a harder time recognizing signs that forecast danger. This is because many of these signs are colored red. These people must rely on something else. Perhaps they will use words or pictures to understand the warning. There are some who do not walk. They have to find some path that they can travel. Someone who is crippled by their fears, frustrations, sicknesses, sorrows, and diseases must have the compassion on themselves, to allow for their needs for growth. We must adapt our lives. People with other challenging conditions find ways to live well. It is a struggle. I will not lie to you about that. But, it can be done. We have to change how we look at everything.

I have, like many, experienced suffering in my life. This has led me to a mission of sorts. I just want people that suffer to know that they are not alone and there is hope. So, I offer perspectives and resources that have helped me to move through my suffering to acceptance and recovery. I am still learning. Learning is a life-long process. Based now, on years of experience, I believe that I do not have to suffer. I know however that there will still be pain at times in life. Hopefully what I am writing can open a few doors for you to consider and to reassure you that it is OK to have a disease. It is not OK to stay in suffering because of it and you can recover! But you must contemplate the path that you wish to take. There is a joke that asks, "How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?” The answer, "one, but the light bulb really has to want to change." While this is sort of funny, the truth is that you have to be ready to change.

Just wanting a change in life may not be enough. For me I had to have nothing left to consider. Naturally, it is hard for us to openly face our fears. But when it happens, happens on the inside of you, there will be nothing left in that space to hold you in suffering. That part that held you in suffering is dead. This place can be scary. We hold so tightly to stay in control. We often feel that the suffering that we know is a far less threatening life than the vague promise of a life of equanimity. We hold our suffering jealously. We do not know what life would be like, or could be like. We dare not believe that there is hope. But when we do let go however, we are most likely find peace.

Most of my life I have been pretty clever. I could see how many things worked. Actually, I could not stop noticing all sorts of things. Things abstract, things concrete, things philosophic, and things emotional were rushing through me. Each moment was intense. Often I did not have the ability to keep up with this stimulus. Like a boat being capsized by a wave, this torrent of thoughts captured me. It swallowed me up and became my identity. I could no longer see the difference between the suffering and who I really was. In my mind I was a bad person, a disappointment, and because I could not pay attention to things that others demanded of me a failure.

Because I was clever I was expected to achieve many things. Because of my emotions and the focus on my dramas I rarely did. I was told often and in many ways that I was a disappointment. Teachers, my mother, father, and the world at large reinforced this message. I saw myself as a "bad person". This added fuel to the fire of my suffering. This is too often the case for us. One of the core issues that people with mental illnesses face is the breakdown of important relationships. Parents give up flabbergasted with outrageous or incomprehensible behavior. Teachers over taxed recognize issues but can’t deal with them. Employers tired of the deficiencies that they see fire us. Husbands and wives part with hurt and distrust. These people, many with their own suffering and pain, simply are not equipped to either understand or support us. Can you blame them really?

Some numbers to consider

The Bureau of Justice statistics reports that says 61% of state prisoners have a mental illness, jails have a rate of 41% of inmates with mental illness. In general our population has about 5% of people who have diagnosable severe mental illnesses in any given year. It is clear that mental illness needs to dealt with. So what are the fundamental needs that we? How can we prevent being one of those jail or prison inmates.

The fall, continued...

So far my experience of being bipolar is concurrent with Maslow’s assertions. In my life much of the supporting relationships were lost. I was divorced, lost jobs, lost housing, lost my health, was jailed for not being able to pay child support, and as a result I was spiraling ever downward. One thing that I have learned is that I was not a bad person for not being able to cope and neither are you. I did not see a way how to deal with this disruption of my basic needs that are due to a bio-chemical and psychological problem. Under these circumstances anyone has a significant probability for failure and misery. Those who judge people harshly in this light are perhaps not considering things with good reasoning. Maslow suggests that, “anyone who attempts to make an emergency picture into a typical one and who will measure all of man's goals and desires by his [her] behavior during extreme physiological deprivation, is certainly blind to many things". Simply, a person in panic is likely to act irrationally. This has nothing to do with judgment of whether they are good or bad. This is true for ourselves and those that look upon us and attach a stigma because of our illness. It also illustrates further why those with a mental illness fail. While in the throes of our struggle to live we are least capable of doing so. We are seen as faltering on our responsibilities. Society expects us to do our part and take care of our business and it is actually reasonable for them to do so. Though there may be some things we cannot do ourselves, there is nothing we can't get done. With resolve, an open heart, and willingness to learn we can be responsible and apply what we can do. We can work with our medical practitioners to find the right medication. We can find cognitive support. We can find methods to deal the challenges as they come. Being responsible is in how we respond to our abilities. Take leadership in your recovery. You have to take the initiative to find the tools and support that work for you. There are many options for finding the care that best serves your needs. This may not be limited to specific medications or therapies. A good relationship with a therapist, a good diet, regular exercise, spiritual practice, and the establishment of meaningful relationships do not necessarily find you. You must be determined to find these things. Without your determination you will not see results in recovery.

Build the person behind the disease

This work by Dr Rogers is now not practiced widely. This is perhaps due more to the practice of his theories than the principals themselves. His thesis that you must develop the person behind the disease simply makes sense to me on the most human level. This is where psychology and the needs of the soul meet. It is the place where I do my work with others. The key to this working is that it must be genuine. You can’t play this. You must be open also. Not to getting caught in the drama but remaining open enough to always see the person beyond the behaviors. You do not have to support destructive behaviors. If you are able to build a relationship with someone on this basis it is far less threatening for you to tell them how you feel about it. I am sure it is heresy to suggest that this simple and humble view is one of friendship. This may feel perilous for many practitioners. To do this you have to be very open. They may fear involvement in your drama as much as you do. I have seen this many times. This was a significant trap for me. I realized that most of the practitioners that I have experienced could not go to this level. Though I have found this to be the case often, I do not condemn them. They after all deserve the same human consideration that I am talking about. They too have their own fears, frustrations, doubts and pain. I have though found some very notable exceptions. My appreciation for the work of Carl Rogers is due to one such practitioner. He demonstrates this in his practice and for that I am grateful.

Establishment of the person is of paramount importance. Personhood is not merely the sum of one’s social roles; it is not merely any label that you may affix to yourself. It is broader than that. It is a matter that starts at the heart. It is the living essence that we all share. With time and inquiry you can learn to let the person in you shine. As we begin to move our awareness from being saturated by our dilemma we become less caught and more free. To do this it helps us to perhaps listen to the wisdom of the Buddha. Buddhism if nothing else is an exquisite form of psychology. Buddha says that the reason we suffer is because of our attachments. For example we may believe the only way that we can be happy is if we have a particular car, that certain job, that special relationship, that anything. The problem with this is that these things are in time and time at the very core of time's definition is change. It is also relative. Neither of these things allows us to keep those things that are external to us. Cars breakdown, jobs are lost, people pass in and out our lives. To believe that we have any real control other than how we choose to see these things is pure deception, at least in this context.

In China there is a story about a farmer. One day, this farmer is out in his field tending to his duties. He notices that his horse has strayed from his farm. His neighbors tell him how unfortunate this is and he remarks, “Maybe”. The next day the farmer heads out to work and sees that the horse has returned along with 7 others and the neighbors say that this is fortunate. Once again the farmer simply intones, “Maybe”. During the next day the farmer’s only son is working to tame the new horses and is thrown, breaking his leg. The neighbors of course feel that this is unfortunate and again the farmer says, “Maybe”. Soon conscription officers arrive. They tell the farmer to give them his son so he may be drafted into the army. The farmer shows them that he has a broken leg and that he is of no use to them. They agree and let him pass. For this the neighbors rejoice and comment on the farmer’s good fortune and at this the farmer merely suggests, “Maybe”. The judgments that we make about good and bad are what hold us. These judgments of good and bad are based on the context that we put them in. For the farmer good or bad judgments are arbitrary. In the beginning of the story his loss seems to be unfortunate. In the end our friend the farmer gains more horses and gets to keep his son from the army. In it's isolated state the loss of the horse may have seemed to be a bad thing. In the end it may have saved his son. Our attachment to the belief that we have to feel bad will kill us. I do want to be clear about judging good and bad. I am not saying that there is no morality. I am saying the why of people acting in immoral ways is far more likely due to a person who sees that he/she is bad before they acted that way. If you see yourself as bad you are bad. As I said throughout this chapter you can start now on a path of recovery. Please do not be attached to the belief that there is no hope. Have the compassion on yourself to release your fears and judgments. Willingness to accept yourself starts this new journey. Once you have this open place your life will never be the same. In life I will tell you that there may still be pain. You do not have to suffer.

Where do you start on the path to recovery?

Well if at this point you are in an unsafe place or have emergency needs get them taken care of. If you are really bad off go to an emergency room or call the police. I have been in county run hospitals. I have been in private hospitals. To be honest it was not always pleasant. They all have one positive attribute. I am still alive because of them. The Buddhists will tell you that every step that you take in life is as valuable as the rest. You may feel low at this point but it can be the start of getting better. I will talk more about various resources later. Remember what Maslow told us about d-needs. If you do not have basic safety in life it will be hard to move on.

The establishment of compassion for self is where the healing begins and will ever continue. Without this you will not have a mechanism for changes at the most basic levels of this process. Your ego has built in defenses against changes and is an interesting challenge to the process. The ego tends to trust it’s self. This is true even if its perspective has nothing to do with the truth. It trusts the good/bad judgments that it has made based on its experiences. As I suggested in the previous chapter experiences that are based in suffering may occlude the truth considerably. It can be very hard to accept that your suffering may be due to a disability. Our egos do not want to except blame for a disease because our minds have the belief that we are less of a person because of it. I remember once telling a person that I felt that I was insane. She said that it was an understandable under the circumstances but that it was not ok to stay that way. In other words it was alright to have a mental illness. It was an issue of biology and some horrible experiences. I was not a deficient person but like any other illness it has to be treated. A good quality of life is available with a prudent approach that is right for you. Her words somehow got through to me. No one had ever put it to me so clearly. No one had communicated so simply. No one else had made it OK to have a problem. No one who gave me hope that it was manageable. There was no one who helped me to see that there was no fault in being me. Being bipolar is simply one aspect of me that requires attention and consideration. Heck from time to time we get haircuts. Again this is an aspect of us that needs which needs attention. It is nothing more. Obviously being bipolar is often more impactful to our lives but still means nothing more than we need to take care of ourselves.